All Too Real
by Ciboulette
Summary: Juliet's nightmares wouldn't terrify most people, but they don't know Ben like she does. ::Dark, ends with Sawyer/Juliet::


**A/N: In my other Juliet story, I mention Juliet has nightmares, so I decided to elaborate on that. This is meant to be dark. I think it is, at least till the end.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lost.**

Everyone dreams. Every night, everyone in the camp dreams of different things. Not everyone remembers those things, though.

You envy them. If only you could forget your dreams, right, Juliet? But no. Every night, every _single _night, you dream of the same thing. And every single morning you wake up, and you remember. You remember the dreams that have been haunting you for years.

Dreams of him. Dreams of Ben.

You wake every day and want to die.

O o O

Your dreams wouldn't terrify most people. They wouldn't make Kate jerk awake, heart pounding, tear ducts filling, wishing, _oh please oh please just go away just for one night I don't want to dream about him anymore not again not ag-_

Jack... Jack wouldn't be scared. He'd wake up, take a nice, long walk, and think about something else. Find a nice, cozy scientific explanation, say don't worry it's fine just fine nothing to worry about-

But they don't know Benjamin Linus like you do, Juliet.

For a few happy days, you thought you would be okay. Not completely healed, but okay. You thought you could survive, and that your Knight in Shining Armour would make everything inside your screwed up little head go away. You thought Jack could make you better. You were wrong.

Because they left, left you alone, alone on the island that you've inhabited for three years. You felt as if a knife was plunged through your heart when Locke said _They're not dead. _A better person would have rejoiced. A whole person would have laughed with joy and thanked God for that miracle, because he _wasn't dead. _But, you're not a whole person, Juliet. You never will be again. And when you find out the man you were in love with is not dead, all you can feel is alone. Because he didn't come back for you. He left you, left you alone, and all hope of being fixed flew away in the helicopter, along with him.

You are damaged, Juliet. You always will be. And as Locke utters those fateful words, you realize it.

O o O

Sometimes, you don't sleep.

Sometimes, you listen to the others dream.

Sometimes, you hear things you rather wouldn't have.

But most of the time, it's things you already know. Sawyer cries out in his sleep, like a lost little boy. Cries out for Kate, the beautiful, whole, perfect Kate. The one_ he_ left you with. Kate. You know what Sawyer feels like, sympathize with him, pity him. Want to help him, because when you are awake, you are exactly alike. You would dream of Jack every night, if you could, Juliet.

After Charlotte's death, Daniel doesn't shut up. He talks of things like 'have to warn her' and 'make sure she doesn't...' Most of it is lost on you. All you really know is that he misses her. Again, you sympathize, but can't really do anything about it. You wish you could. Wish you were the one _fixing, helping, _like Jack. Jack. He was going to fix you, before he left. But he must have forgotten. Must have gotten lost in prospects of freedom, and a certain brunette's green eyes. You're sure that came first, not the tag along borderline psycho.

Something snaps, and it occurs to you that you will never fix someone again.

Want to. Need to. But won't.

O o O

Is it weird, you think, not to be scared of the dark? Of monsters and murderers and the oblivion? You're not scared of any of it. Not of death. Not of pain. The only thing that scares you, the only thing that gives you nightmares, is Ben. And why? He's a small man. Not a strong man, not anything you should be terrified of _right now, _but nevertheless, you dream of Ben. Every single night.

Every single night it's the same, same thing, same _fucking _thing. You're in the jungle, dusk is falling shadows everywhere eyes alert where am I where am I where is he- And then you see him. He always is right in front of you, but you can never see him until he's _there. _Does that make sense? No, not really, you think bitterly, nothing on this island makes sense.

Ben stands there, smiling, holding his hands out, saying things like _I love you _and _I'll protect you _and what you wish could make you scream yourself awake, _Together forever. _No. No, Ben. Please, God, no.

You stumble backwards, falling down, and his eyes widen with concern. _Come home now, Julie, it's not safe out here. We can protect you at home. _And you fall for it every night, you look around eagerly, thinking _Miami, heat, Rachel, Julian,___**home. **He steps aside, and says _Welcome home, _and you scream and scream and scream and scream because behind him, not home, is the Dharma town. And Richard is standing there, Tom, Danny _who you killed, _Harper, Alex, Karl, everyone beckoning to you.

_Welcome home. _

No.

Your dreams wouldn't terrify most people, Juliet. Just like their dreams of dark and death and pain wouldn't terrify you. Because your nightmares are about Ben, and for you, that is all too real.

O o O

Once, you hear John Locke mutter in his sleep, _I don't want to die._

But you do, Juliet. You do.

O o O

Once, a month after _they _left, Sawyer asks you a question. "Are you still in love with Jack?"

"No," you reply. You don't elaborate.

"How come?"

"Because he left," And you know that you are telling the truth.

O o O

One night, the first in a long time, you do not dream of Ben.

Instead, you are in a deep, dark hole. The walls are slimy, water is dripping off of them. It's nighttime, and you can see the moon shining down in the hole, casting a faint light. You wonder how you got here, and you think you must have fallen, but you're not sure. You also wonder how you are going to get out, and resolve to climb the walls. Grabbing the craggy, slimy sides of the pit, you start to heave yourself up, but let go and yelp with disgust when you feel something small and furry scamper over your hand.

You stand back, away from the walls. Now, you can hear scuttling, whispering, scratching noises that make your skin crawl. You look around wildly, think _Where are they? _And instinctively the 'they' becomes _rats _and then you see them, huge, black, red-eyed-pointy-nosed _rats _and they're coming for you, swarming around you like a herd of death, and they're crawling over you. You scream and thrash and feel sick and think _go away go away just leave me alone._

The rats are everywhere and now they're biting, scratching, tearing, _ripping _they are _eating you alive. _You scream and scream in pain and horror and then-

-you're awake, but you're still screaming and screaming. Except this time you're screaming with laughter, and you're laughing, overjoyed, ecstatic, and you wake everyone up, and Sawyer's shaking you, tears in his eyes, saying _Doc, Juliet, what's wrong? Tell me, please, God, tell me what's wrong. _You can see the question behind his green eyes; What's wrong with _you? _And that just makes you laugh even harder, and you think _more than you'll ever know, James. _And you're laughing and laughing some more, and you can't stop. Daniel hesitantly puts his hand on your shoulder, and says _Juliet, what's so funny, why are you laughing? _

You can't answer without making yourself sound insane (already are) so you try your best to stop the fit of laughter, the joy that threatens to overtake you. You calm yourself down, lie, something about a joke you heard, and now they're laughing too, laughing uneasily because they don't want to upset you. Miles looks on from the background, saying nothing. They are scared of you, Juliet. Scared of what you're becoming.

_Crazy._

You don't care. You are lost in the ecstatic delight of the dream, relishing the sound of the rats. You lay down to sleep once more, turning away from you're friends to hide the huge grin that is stretched across your face. You can't sleep that night, you just lie there, grinning like an idiot, because for once

you didn't dream

of Ben.

O o O

You think perhaps you are fixed, until the next night.

When it's the same thing as always. The forest, alone, Ben, not alone yet more alone than ever. The Dharma town, the happy family, the _Welcome home. _Except, there's a twist. You don't wake up when you normally do. Instead, after the welcome, you glance down at your middle. It's round, big, with a child. Your heart stops, and your trembling fingers brush your belly. You feel a nudge, and you want to die. Because when you look up, into Ben's blue eyes, he says _Mine._ And you know he's not talking about you. He's talking about the baby growing inside you.

You're pregnant, Juliet. Congratulations.

You always wanted to die, didn't you?

That's when you wake up. That's when you start to scream. You're not fixed, Juliet. You probably never will be.

O o O

You are still crying when Sawyer finds you. He hesitates for only a moment, then puts his arm around your shoulder. Even though every instinct tells you to run, to get away from him, you stay. You don't want to be rude. So, you cry it out and he's holding you, and it occurs to you that this feels nice. You haven't felt nice for such a long time, so you give in to the comfort, let him hold you, let yourself open up. You tell him everything, the nightmares, how you think you're insane. He listens. He doesn't judge, or even give advice. He doesn't talk, and you think it's probably the best thing he could do. He just holds you.

After awhile, Sawyer starts to talk. He tells you about how he used to miss Kate, how he used to dream about her and Jack together every night, and it killed him. He tells her how scared he is, how useless he felt when Charlotte died and he didn't try to save her, when Locke fell down the well and now they don't no if he's alive or dead, or if the plan to bring Jack, Kate, Aaron, Sayid and Sun back has failed. He doesn't know what's going to happen to the four of them left, and that scares him more than anything.

At last, he tells her he isn't in love with Kate anymore.

You're not an idiot, Juliet. You know what he means.

You look at him, look at the moon faintly lighting up his shaggy dirty blond hair, his pained face. It is such a cliched moment, that you think _To hell with it, _and you kiss him. He kisses you back with such fervor and intensity that you can't help but respond. You can't help to get lost in him, fold at his touch, and give yourself up. He fills you with heat, longing, and you feel _alive, _more alive than Jack ever made you feel. As he kisses you, touches you, you feel alright. Okay. You don't feel like an insane freak, a crazy woman. You may not love him, but you love the way he makes you feel.

When he's asleep, and you are curled up beside him, he starts to talk in his sleep again. And you think _I'll die if he says Kate's name. I swear, I will._

He doesn't. At first it's just unintelligible mumblings, then he sighs, and says _I want to save you._

Your heart melts, and suddenly you are so, so overjoyed that he doesn't think you need fixing. Doesn't think there's something wrong with you. He wants to save you, Juliet. He loves you. And you realize, that he already has.

And you know that you love him, too.

Juliet, you dream of strange things that night. You're in a desert, but there are polar bears. There is a young, emo looking girl who looks vaguely familiar, a young red-head who says her name's Charlotte. They are both smiling at her, friendly, and they beckon, _come play with us. _So you run off, laughing with two young girls you don't know, in the middle of a desert with polar bears. You reach a ping-pong table (random) and the young girls start to play, laughing without a care in the world. And you're smiling, cheering them on, comforting the dark haired girl when she loses. Suddenly, they look at her, and say _Someone wants to play with you. _The only thing that crosses your mind is that you don't want to wake up, until you look over your shoulder and see him.

He smiles at you, dimples popping up, and he says in his noticeable Southern drawl, _Play me, Doc? _You nod enthusiastically, and the young girls disappear and it's just the two of you. He creams you at ping-pong, but you don't care, because you're having so much fun with Sawyer. You spend the rest of the dream learning the 'skill, and all around awesomeness' of the game, and you're laughing hysterically, and so is he.

You laugh so hard you wake yourself up. Sawyer blinks himself awake, too, and grins at you lazily. _Somethin' funny? _

Then Miles sarcastically shouts _Get a room! _And now you're both laughing, cracking up, and you feel lighter, happier, more whole than you've felt in a long time. You spend the rest of the day with your friends, and the only time you cry is when Daniel says, _Good to have you back._

Ben doesn't cross your mind the entire day.

O o O

The nightmare's over, Juliet. It's time to wake up.

**I originally intended for this to end a hell of a lot darker. I was going to end it with Juliet dreaming about Ben AGAIN, and waking up, realizing that it was never going to end.**

**But, the fluffiness got to me, and I just couldn't end it like that. And I love Sawyer/Juliet. My new favorite crack pairing.**

**Reviews are cool, and I'd love to hear your feedback.**

**P.S: Giving this a title was hard. I was stuck between _Fixing You, _but then I thought of neutered cats. So, I moved on to _Dreams, _but that was kind of unoriginal, so I stuck with the original idea.**


End file.
